I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
