Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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