Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
