literally had 100 drinks last night.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
