why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
