I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
