The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
