I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
