Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
