So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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