i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
