I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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