Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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