you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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