He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
