3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
