This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
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if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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