If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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