well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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