HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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