someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
