I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
