I accidentally burped into my bong.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
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