Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
