dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this beer tastes like vomit already
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
