as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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