if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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