If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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