Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
