I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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