I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
