We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
