I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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