i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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