I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
