dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
