I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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