maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This is my gift to your gina
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
