Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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