dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
