I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
