So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
