I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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