this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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