...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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