Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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