The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
