I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
