We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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