Jerry, you need to find god
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
