I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
