OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
