He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
