Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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