I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize