chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
