i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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