mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
